Why Is It Bothering Me?

Last night I was having a hard time, I wanted to play some games with some friends but non were available at the time. I just wanted to escape for a while and get in a few laughs, hoping it would make me feel better. I know the dangers of playing alone online (Online Chaos), but I was so down all I wanted to do was to get away and so I made the mistake of playing an online game alone.

I turned on Rocket League and had the chat only turned on for Teammates, as that USUALLY cuts down most of the toxic bullshit that happens in online gaming. I started my very first game and I of course I wasn’t playing well, I wasn’t really focused I had only just started and right off the bat I missed an easy goal, hitting the ball wide right. I said “Sorry” in chat and my teammate said “No Problem”. Our opponents then score 2 straight goals and my teammate wants to forfeit. I choose not to and we continue to play on. Moments later the ball once again is sitting in front of the net and I come in as fast as I can and bank it off the post… I clearly wasn’t playing up to snuff so I gave my teammate the forfeit so he didn’t have to waste his time losing this game.


After he accepts the forfeit we go into the post game stuff and I go to write “Sorry tm (teammate) bad game for me”, but before I get to finish that out he chimes in instead. “Soooooooooooo traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaashhh” he says. “tm sooooo fkn trassshhhhh”, “tm plz go fkn kill yourself”, “ur so fkn trashhhh”. All of this without me saying a single word by the way. He continues on to say “tm go delete your game and then go die” and then he left the game.

“tm plz go fkn kill yourself”

It isn’t the first time some fucking low life has told me to go kill myself but for some reason, last night it hit me… hard. I am still feeling the effects of what that person said to me last night and I don’t know why. Maybe its because I am dealing with my own problems at the moment and am already down? I am not quite sure but what I do know is, I really don’t want to play Rocket League or any other online game I currently have ever again. I didn’t do anything to deserve the harassment I got at the end of that game. I know I didn’t do so well but for someone to take it to that extreme and tell me more than once to end my own life… its like what a fucking piece of shit to do that to someone else. That 3 minute game out of that players entire life was so important that I have to go kill myself for ruining it?

It was my fault for putting myself in that situation, especially when I know better than that but despite all I know about the fucking scum that walks this earth, for some reason I am just really surprised at how hard those words are hitting me. I am letting them get to me and it is effecting my real life, and I don’t know what to do to break free from it at this moment. I think I really need to take a good long break from playing anything that NEEDS me to play with other random people… Ive just honestly had enough.



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